Thursday, May 24, 2007

My First Blogpost Ever ~ Repost

I used to have another blog that I wrote on. This was the first thing that I wrote on it on January 23, 2006. It still applies today.

Sometimes I wonder if people can see right through me. I wonder if they can see me better than I can see myself. People always say that to know who you really are, you have to strip off the layers (like an onion or as Donkey in Shrek would say - a tasty parfait) to the real person who is underneath. But what if there isn't a person underneath. What if the layers are the only things that make you who you are?
I haven't ever been able to peel down all of the layers to get to my authentic self. How far do you have to go? It seems that I won't ever figure out who I really am. There are a lot of things in my past that I hide from. Many of them I don't even remember as I was quite young. Do I have to go that far to find my authentic self, and if I do get that far, what will I find? A quivering mass of terror cringing in the corner? A girl ready to come out of the dark into the light?
Never getting through all of the layers frustrates me. I want to know who I am. I want others to know who I really am. Sometimes I feel so artificial like I am made of plastic (unfortunately not in the shape of Barbie). If anyone can tell me how to peel the layers and get to my authentic self I might just have to buy them a Frosty.

13 comments:

Skyzi said...

I don't think anyone ever gets through all the layers. Life throws more layers on you, all the time. The fact that you are always searching for your authentic self makes you interesting and intelligent.

I think the trick is just being comfortable with all your layers. Or at the very least getting rid of some layers you mights not like and then accepting the rest.

Babybull40 said...

As you go through life more stuff is added to your persona.. that is what makes you you.. getting through day to day scenarios and adjusting to changes in your life, whether it be stressful or not.. it builds up character.. and without that you are not Authentic.. But from what I read here everyday.. You are a person that struggles with alot of emotion... we all have our struggles and talking about it tends to help.. You keep doing what you are doing.. don't worry so much about what layers you need to peel.. You are already a true authentic person.

reformattingmybrain said...

I'm not so sure I'd want to be me without all my layers.... They've made me who I am today - sometimes I like them, sometimes I don't. I'm not sure how to peel them off to get to the real me, because to me, this is the real me.

Churlita said...

The layers make you interesting. They also keep changing, so you'll never get to the center of the Tootsie Pop.

Hilly said...

I believe that we are just like a Rubik's Cube. You can work and work to get one side all perfectly lined up, colors matching and that makes you squeal with joy. But then, you look at the rest and it is a big mess so you start on another color.

Life is a cycle that we have to keep plugging away at, I guess.

Eric said...

I think that as opposed to peeling back the layers to find out who I really am, all of my experiences add layers that enable to me to grow into what I hope to become. As long as you can be introspective and self aware of you're experiences and how they have positively or negatively effected you and grown from them than I think it's better to hang on to you're layers as oppossed to peeling them back. If that makes any sense. I tried to think of a good analogy for this and the best I could come up with was a tree, or that tin foil ball on PeeWee's playhouse. Analogies aren't my strong suit.

Rachel said...

Skyzi ~ I wonder how many of my layers are self-imposed to cover up things that I don't like about myself.

Babybull40 ~ Thanks. I just wonder sometimes if I am being fake or real. Sometimes it is hard to tell after you have done some things for so long.

Reformat ~ I guess that what I mean is that we hide behind personas and bravado or that we put on a happy face while internally we are seething. Over time reality becomes blurred and I wonder if I am the person that people percieve or if I am deluding everyone, myself included.

Churlita ~ LOL. I saw a shirt last night that said How Many Licks Does It Take and had a photo of the owl and the kid from the Tootsie Pop commercials.

Hilly ~ I like your analogy. That is how I feel. I figure out one thing and then I look and everything else doesn't make sense anymore.

Eric ~ I am not discounting that life experience has made me who I am. What I want to figure out is how much if me is real and what parts of me are fake, putting on a front or experiences that I haven't faced or been honest with myself about.

Lydia said...

For me this is a little like posing the question "are we there yet?" in relation to our journey through life. When it comes to really discovering and knowing who we are I'm not sure we can ever get there, and I can appreciate the frustration of that.

I know that because of various things from my childhood I became an adult who didn't feel like the real me. Counselling went a long way towards discovering who I really am, but I still feel like there are layers I've never penetrated. I think, perhaps, it's about being comfortable in our skin, because there's only so much inward gazing that one can do without letting life pass you by.

I do think that the extent to which you figuratively reveal yourself in your blog shows someone with some pretty wonderful layers that you hopefully accept and enjoy.

l.b. said...

That is a very appropriate first post. Blogging about your layers can certainly help to reveal what's underneath...and yeah, it does seem like there is always more.

mielikki said...

Oh, the layers. Yes they make us who we are, in a way, and they protect us, too. My layers seem to be ever changing while I'm not looking, and I guess that's for the best. I think knowing one's self is a never ending quest, and hopefully, and adventure!

David in DC said...

If you peel back too many layers, there's no room left for the tat.

Careful. :)

Indiana said...

I think trying to fully know ourselves is an endless and fruitless quest, since we never really know ourselves until we are faced with adversity...and I would rather not spend the time I have wishing for too much of that type of life.

M said...

I feel exactly the same way most days hon.