I used to have another blog that I wrote on. This was the first thing that I wrote on it on January 23, 2006. It still applies today.
Sometimes I wonder if people can see right through me. I wonder if they can see me better than I can see myself. People always say that to know who you really are, you have to strip off the layers (like an onion or as Donkey in Shrek would say - a tasty parfait) to the real person who is underneath. But what if there isn't a person underneath. What if the layers are the only things that make you who you are?
I haven't ever been able to peel down all of the layers to get to my authentic self. How far do you have to go? It seems that I won't ever figure out who I really am. There are a lot of things in my past that I hide from. Many of them I don't even remember as I was quite young. Do I have to go that far to find my authentic self, and if I do get that far, what will I find? A quivering mass of terror cringing in the corner? A girl ready to come out of the dark into the light?
Never getting through all of the layers frustrates me. I want to know who I am. I want others to know who I really am. Sometimes I feel so artificial like I am made of plastic (unfortunately not in the shape of Barbie). If anyone can tell me how to peel the layers and get to my authentic self I might just have to buy them a Frosty.