This post was inspired by Anon1 and something that he wrote on his blog. I say this not to encourage people to visit his blog and lambaste him, but to let you know why this post came to fruition.
I AM FAT! I have been overweight most of my life. There are a lot of reasons why I am fat. Inactivity, boredom, fear, lack of initiative, poor eating habits are some of the reasons why I am now what some people term a "fattie".
When I was growing up I was always skinny until I was in 6th grade. What started the weight gain is a bit hazy as a lot of things happened around that age. I hit puberty, was raped at the age of 10 by my cousin, my parents divorced and my mom was rarely home as she was working full time to support her family and go to school full time so that she could give us a better life.
Being poor and on welfare we had a very limited food budget and we ate a lot of pasta and high carbohydrate laden food. I would regularly have Top Ramen or macaroni & cheese for dinner as it was cheap and meat was usually only reserved for weekend meals when my mom was home.
Fast forward 3 years and I was a size 12. Between 8th and 9th grade my mom married a guy named Jim. He lived in a big house out in the country and we packed up and moved 3 hours away to our new home. There was nothing to do. Literally all that was there was a row of mail boxes. I have never been a nature girl so I would stay in the house and read. One winter our furnace caught on fire so we used a wood stove and individual space heaters in our rooms. That winter I stayed in my room, laid in bed and read a lot. I was bored and I hated it out there so I would read and eat. This brought on a pattern that as much as I have tried to break it, follows me to this day. Mom divorced Jim when I was a junior and we moved into town and I was a bit more active but it was a small, redneck town and I didn't fit in. By the time I graduated high school I was a size 16.
My first job after I graduated high school was at Dairy Queen. We got food half off so I would eat the majority of my meals there. By the time I left DQ I was a size 18.
My second job was at a convenience store/sandwich shop and I was moving around a lot and went back down to a size 16. I was there for about a year and was the promoted to a job at the corporate office. Now I was sedentary again and I went back up to a size 18.
Over the next couple of years it was the heydey of stretchy pants and oversized shirts. I didn't really pay attention to my size and got to a size 20 without even realizing it.
I changed jobs and started to work at a specialty food brokerage firm. Another office job. I sat at a desk typing and all the time people would bring in yummy food for us to sample to try and seduce the product placement people to take on their product.
While I was there I started to work out for the first time. I would go 5 days a week. Three days of cardio and 2 days of weight circuit training. I toned up, slimmed down (probably an 18) and felt great. Then I got pregnant.
Once I got pregnant, I lost my job and lost my workout partner. I was sick for 6 months and could barely function. I didn't eat, didn't work out, didn't do anything. After I had my son I had lost 40 pounds from the first time they weighed me at the OB office. I was a size 16.
I decided to breast feed and since I had gone so long without being able to keep much down I went a bit off the deep end and ate whatever I wanted without any concern over caloric intake and started taking the Depo Provera shots. Within a year I had gained back the 40 pounds I had lost plus some.
Since then my eating habits have been very poor and I haven't really exercised. I did lose 50 pounds once by eating a very restrictive diet and exercising every lunch hour. Then my job scaled our lunches to 30 minutes and started ordering in all the time to make us feel better. I put it all back on and I haven't tried another diet since. I am currently a size 22.
I know I am fat. I don't need people to point it out to me. I can't count how many times I have heard that I have such a pretty face. No one ever continues with the always present thought "Too bad you are fat" but I hear it just the same.
I would like to lose weight. I try and picture myself skinny. I see the super cute clothes that skinny girls wear and I know that I can't wear it because it will make me look horrible. I try and dress tastefully and you won't ever see any space between the top of my pants and the bottom of my shirt. I know how disgusting muffin tops are and I won't subject myself, let alone anyone else to mine.
I decide that I am going to start to diet and exercise and I constantly sabatoge myself. I take sneakers to work to walk 20 minutes at lunch. Then I don't put them on. I am tired. I didn't eat breakfast. The treadmills are taken and it is too cold to walk outside. Any excuse will do.
I don't know why I sabatoge myself so I try and convince myself that it is OK that I am fat. That people should love me for who I am on the inside not what I look like on the outside. I know that people look through me like I am invisible and I try my best not to let it get to me.
I extend myself in friendship to people hoping that they will take the time to get to know me. That my personality should be enough. If they reject me then I convince myself that I wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway because they are too superficial. Inside I am devastated and I eat to suppress the pain of rejection.
People who have never been overweight can't understand why I just don't buckle down and diet and exercise and lose the weight. Imagine that your goal is to climb Mt. Everest but you haven't ever been hiking. It is overwhelming and you give up before you even start.
It is MUCH easier to get fat than it is to lose weight. That is just plain biology. You gain weight you add fat cells. You lose weight you don't lose fat cells, they just shrink. People who have been fat have a much higher chance of becoming fat again than someone who has always been slim.
What you don't understand is that to me, food is an addiction. I crave food when I am hurt, lonely and bored. The irony is that I can't hide my addiction and I can't ever recover from it. If I was an alcoholic, I could hide it from people who weren't close to me. I would look normal on the outside but would be falling apart on the inside. Being fat doesn't allow me to hide it. Anyone who looks at me can see my addiction and many of them judge me for it before I even open my mouth. If I became a recovering alcoholic I would stay away from alcohol 100%. I have to eat. I can't survive without food.
People can be and at times are very cruel. They think that being fat is synonymous with being slothful or dirty. That I may not be a good employee because if I can't control my eating, how can I be a productive employee? I watch people. I see their looks, their rolling of the eyes. The glances between two friends where one will puff out their cheeks to emulate being fat and the other will double over laughing.
Discriminating against and making fun of fat people is one of the only acceptable forms of prejudice. You would never openly mock someone because of their race, sexual orientation or religion. You might do it behind closed doors but not to their face. But it is OK to make fun of fat people. Why? Usually they don't fight back. They look at you with a sad, disappointed face, turn and walk away. Yelling after me to join Jenny Craig won't change anything. Do you really think that I am going to stop, turn around and say "You know what? You are right and I am going to go right now to sign up so that I can be skinny like you and then I will be able to make fun of fat people too".
Some people say that they are concerned about fat people because of the cost to our health care system and that this nations life expectancy rate is actually going down because of obesity. Those are valid concerns, but mocking me or being mean isn't going magically strip 100 pounds off of my frame.
It isn't disgust or hatred that causes people to mock fatties. It is fear. You can't change your race or color. If you are gay or straight more than likely you will stay that way. Most people never change their religion and very few in this country are forced to do so.
Now, here is the important part. People hate and fear fat people because unlike race or sexual orientation nearly EVERYONE has the ability to become fat. You are mean to me because you see in me what you are afraid to become. Sure there are some people who are naturally slim and almost nothing would cause them to gain weight or be fat. The funny thing is that they are jealous of people who CAN gain weight. Not becoming fat, but being able to put on a few pounds.
I know I am fat. You don't have to remind me. You don't have to shove in my face tracts for Weight Watcher, Jenny Craig or any other weight loss program. Nothing that you say or do will motivate me to get off my ass and lose weight. I have to decide for myself that I want to lose weight and then hope like hell that my friends and family will be supportive and positive.
The next time you are on the verge of laughing, making a derogatory comment, mooing at me or trying to convince me to lose weight, please don't. Nothing that you will say hasn't been said before and the only thing that you are making obvious is how much of an ass you are. Everyone already knows that I am fat.
I am sure that people are going to have very strong feelings one way or another about this. Please feel free to comment. But please, do it respectfully.
44 comments:
Great post Rachel. I think you're right about people fearing fat people because they fear becoming them. Although I'm not overweight, I too crave food when I'm hurt, lonely, or sad. The only difference between us is metabolism really, and that's certainly subject to change. Good insight.
I think that you have to face your own inner demons at some point, so why not now? It seems like you are upset about your physical condition, but you lack the willpower necessary to tell the negative energy to go fuck itself. I think its admirable that you openly say that you accept being overweight, but for some reason it sounds like you dont really accept it at all. I think the one most important quality that we possess as human beings is the ability to change. Everyone has that ability, its just figuring out how to use it that is the hard part. Not that this is the same in any way, but I have always been a skinny puke and now have started to pack on some pounds that Im not too happy about. I could keep doing what Ive been doing for 29 years, or I could make a change based on my own personal reasons. Its up to me. Whichever path you decide to choose, its your decision. Just be happy with your choice and mean it. Good luck.
O.K., despite what I just typed over at my blog, insomnia does turn out to have its benefits.
I get to see this beautiful post and a better picture of you and D. before most of the world.
And I get to post here before the inevitable parade of trolls turns this thread into an opportunity to overcompensate for their small dicks. (I get a l'il cranky at 3:00 a.m. when I oughta be asleep.)
Eff the haters. You're beautiful, just the way you are.
That's a wonderful post, Rachel, and a very honest and open one too. I don't know if you saw an entry in my blog a couple of months or so ago, but that touched on the issue of self-image and the insensitive and even cruel comments people sometimes make about others' appearance and how damaging it can be. And the idea that someone's weight determines their attractiveness in certain people's eyes. I think you're completely right that there is a form of mainly unchallenged prejudice towards overweight people, and that is so wrong. A valid concern is if someone's weight could pose a significant health risk, be it over or underweight. Still, I know from a friend that even that cannot necessarily be enough to inspire weight loss. It really seems to be such a tough thing to grapple with if someone does want or need to lose a lot of weight. Bottom line, your weight doesn't detract from your attractiveness, you have a self-confidence and personality that are also attractive and no-one can take that away from you.
Try working 13 hour days, lifting for two hours at night and eating six healthy meals a day. Then throw in drinking at least a gallon of water a day. Add stress and welcome to my world. I don't feel sorry for you at all.
Well, first let me say that I'm sorry about what happened when you were younger and I hope that you got help for that, and I hope that someone was in jail for a very long time.
Second, I am sorry to hear that you had a difficult pregnacy and I hope that the kiddo is okay.
Third, you really do have such a pretty face.
Let's see. Did you really have to pay half for DQ stuff? When I worked fast food I usually got free food, and of course all the soda I could swallow. I just imagine the kids at DQ haven't tons of free ice cream, with lots of extra hot fudge and all of that.
I never really thought that I was fat, but I did get to the point where I really wasn't happy about my size. I know what you mean about the stretchy pants. I quit buying regular bras.
I have heard that before about the fat cells never actually going away, they just shrink. But from what I remember, it was harder to gain weight than it has been to lose weight. (I won't go into the details.) On the other hand, if I count the years that I was trying to lose weight, I've probably spent twice that amount of time in the "I'd just like to lose ten or fifteen more pounds" zone.
Well, twice I have managed to lose those fifteen pounds. The first time I was really careful about what I was eating and all of that. The second time was after something really bad happened in my personal life. I wouldn't advice anyone try the second plan.
Sometimes putting everything in single servings in little plastic bags helps. But that doesn't work as well with stuff like ice cream.
That sucks about the lunch break thing. I mean, you had something that was working for you, and it was actually taken away from you. I hope you get promoted to some job that you can write your own schedule and take an hour and a half for lunch. That way you'll have time to both exercise and eat something good for you.
What would be nice if you had say three or for friends at work (or who worked nearby), and you could be on a diet together, and you could take turns making heathful lunchs for everyone in the group once a week or so.
And I know some people are suggesting Jenny Craig or whatever because they care about you, but I think that the main people who should do that sort of thing are the people who actually did that themselves and got good results, or people who are currently trying to do that and are looking for a diet/exercise buddy.
Damn, I need an edit button on this this.
It was supposed to say I imagine the kids at DQ HAVING tons of free ice cream, with lots of hot fudge and all of that they haven't had to pay for.
and
If I count the years that I was trying to GAIN weight, I've probably spent twice that amount of time in the "I'd just like to lose ten or fifteen more pounds" zone.
Sometimes I am trying to type too fast and it just doesn't make any damn sense afterwards.
Anyway, good luck with all of that stuff you're dealing with.
Rachelle ~ Oh to have a high metabolism..... Thanks for your comment.
Blind Mice ~ When I am alone I feel relatively comfortable with myself including my size. Groups and in public can sometimes be difficult if I don't know anyone.
I know that I have issues that need to be dealt with. I think that everyone one does. Eventually the time will come and I will gather the courage to face them head on.
Good luck to you as well.
David in DC ~ Insomnia sucks but I am glad that you were able to see this post early as well. You always know what to say to make me feel beautiful. Love ya!!
Lydia ~ I will have to go check out your post. I did not see it. Prejudice in any form is wrong but accepted prejudice is even worse. I hope that others see in me what you do.
Anon1 ~ I never asked you to feel sorry for me. I just wrote what I felt needed to be said. I don't want anyone's pity. I know that working so much and choosing the life that you have is very stressful. Good for you that you can use that stress in a productive way. I hope someday that I can do the same.
Laughing at the slut ~ I would love to respond to all of your comments but you made so many good points that I will just say this.
Thank you for your empathy. It is very clear that you read my post very carefully and really understood what I was trying to convey. Thank you for your kind words and I don't mind forgetting the edit button. I used to be such a poor typist that my friends coined a phrase for my IM's ~ Rachelese.
I missed all the drama with Anon1, but wow, what a heartfelt post.
It's a good point you bring up about having an addiction like alcohol and then to recover you stay away 100%, but with dieting, you still have to eat.
The only thing I can offer in terms of advice is that I play with the same 15 lbs over and over, and when I want to lose them I do South Beach. The trick to South Beach is that when you eliminate all that stuff for two weeks, a lot of your cravings go away. The first time I did it, I totally lost my taste for pasta. The second time I did it, I totally lost my taste for sweets. Now, at 33, let me tell you, I grew up eating candy all the time. So, to lose my taste for sweets about 3 months ago was a MAJOR shock, and a nice surprise.
If and when you are ready, give South Beach a shot. It's modified eating and it's free, other than buying the book. Don't bother with those stupid programs, they are a waste of money.
You'll get there. Mostly because you have perspective and you are not in any sort of denial. You know exactly how and where you gained the weight. Most people don't. Give yourself credit for seeing it and knowing where your downfalls were.
Good luck!
Rach,
I think you're beautiful, period.
Great post. Very open and well-thought out. And you're right--it sadly is an "acceptable" prejudice in today's society. I think it's wrong to ridicule someone for not having willpower to lose weight when everybody has things they don't have the willpower to do. People who have one night stands? Not enough willpower to wait or develop a relationship. Assholes? Not enough willpower to hold their tongue. People who quit projects or things they've started? Not enough willpower to continue. Republicans? Not enough willpower to look up the facts. (That's a joke, people.) The point is, "fatness" is an easy target because you can see it. Promiscuity, assholeness (is that a word?), or a quitter mentality can't be seen just from watching someone walk down the road. So people go for the low-hanging fruit and kick down the easiest target. That's cowardice, and speaks to a much bigger character flaw than the person being ridiculed.
Rachel I send a million hugs your way. You are beautiful on the inside and out. This post was amazing (being emotional me I had many tears by the end). I wish all those assholes could know the Rachel I know, the one who comments on my blog and the one I can't wait everyday to see her post. Size 22 or size 2 I think your fabulous - I wish they could all see that too.
No matter what people think, making fun of someone's appearance should not be acceptable. People who have never evolved from immaturity might think it's acceptable to harrass. They are the ones who should be pitied because they never grew up. That's pretty sad.
I agree 100% with David in DC. I love that photo of you and your son and you are beautiful and strong.
That's a pretty inspirational post, Rachel. Kudos to you.
Velvet ~ If/when I decide to start the journey, I will defnitely give the South Beach diet consideration.
Knowing were it came from doesn't seem to make it any easier to send it back. :)
Playtah ~ Thanks chica. You tell me all the time how pretty you think I am and I appreciate it.
I love the term low hanging fruit. It makes me laugh.
reformat ~ Aww thanks. I am so glad that you like my blog. I love when people read it. I appreciate the hugs. They are appreciated.
Tara ~ We are such a visually based society that it would be abnormal for people to NOT judge someone based on their appearance. But harrassing someone because if it is unacceptable.
I love that photo of me and D even all of my hills and valley. It is the only one that I have that is a full view that isn't horrible.
MJB~ Thanks Jon. You inspire me all the time.
(((Rachel)))
People can be so cruel. I'm sorry you have to put up with it but atleast you are willing to make a change.
My DH is overweight. He put on 100 pounds during my 1st pregnancy. He weighs about 320. I tell him that I will help him any way I can. I've tried everything I can think of but he just doesn't have the motivation. I see a lot of the same pain and frustration in your post.
I wish I could tell you a easy way but of course their is none. Just try and find support were you can.
GOOD LUCK!
What to say. I guess coming from someone who has his own weight issues I understnd what you are saying. I do think that it is a little easier for a man to be overweight than it is for a women. That still does not make it right for anyone to make comments either to your face or behind your back about weight. The one thing that I take solice in is that most people will have some weight issues throughout their lives. To bad that it takes something like that to have compassion.
Anon1 have some compassion. You are certainly not perfect, no one is. Walk in someone elses shoes before you start putting down their choices.
That aside, there are ways to lose weight but more ways to keep it on or gain more. After a while eating becomes habit instead of a need. That is the biggest problem that has to be changed and it is a hard one to change. Good luck and ignore the people who mean nothing in your life and pay particular attention to the ones have been there in both good times and bad.
I'm new at this, so don't have the finesse to comment to everyone by name. A few qualifiers: I don't know everyone so I'm not familiar with who you are or what you have to deal with in your life. That said, here's my comment.
I am a friend of Rachel's and can attest to her inner and outer beauty. And although I am not what you call overweight or fat, I would like to lose a few (15) pounds and look more like my sister. Unfortunately I have a slower metabolism. I understand the comfort food issue - I too find comfort in food. In high school I did the whole binge and purge thing for a few years - what a nightmare! I have since gained about 20 pounds, but am much healthier than I was then!
I know, and I'm sure other "fat" people know, what needs to be done to lose some of that extra baggage, but it is hard. Each person has their own excuses. I know for Rachel one reason she cannot spend two hours lifting a night is because she has to raise her 9-year-old son alone (yes, anon1, that comment is directed toward you). In fact, the half-hour session on Monday and Friday nights that I just suggested was denied due to that fact.
I feel that what it boils down to is lack of motivation, time, money, or a combinatoin of all of these. And, none of these are easily resolved. If we had a longer lunch, I think it definately would improve the health and morale of our work environment! But then again, that was voted down a few months ago. A raise could also help a little...
That aside, until you are in someone's shoes and know EXACTLY what they have been through and continue to endure, you have no right to judge them. Everyone's lives are different, and not everyone has the ability to work eight or more hours and day then spend a few at the gym; and not everyone has the $$$ to spend at the gym - personally I find food more important than a gym membership and spending time with a son more important than spending time with a treadmill. It's perspective and ability - let us work on our lives according to OUR ability, not yours.
Do whatever the fuck you want but leave me out of this. I stated what my mind and that's that. I could care less if you lose weight or die of a stroke at 40. And maybe IF I had 28 hours in a day I would get a full night's sleep. Or maybe I have time because I have been RESPONSIBLE when it comes to not having unwanted children.
AND all of this is directed at the person above me. You are full of excuses...
moment ~ I am VERY thankful that I have fantastic friends and a very supportive family. I never hear fat jokes come out of any of their mouths and they are quicker to defend me than I am.
Dennis ~ You know you are just a big ole' cuddly bear. As much shit as I heap on you every day mocking you (as you do me) I know that you are a great guy and someday someone who doesn't treat you like a brother (me) will realize that.
Redheadgal81 ~ Thanks for for championing me. I appreciate your friendship and am looking forward to hanging out with you this weekend. You are right that some of my issues are financially based. If I knew that I would use a gym membership I would more than likely fork over the money. Since I don't know if I would use it or not instead I pay for D's karate classes.
Anon1 isn't too bad. You just have to get beyond his prickliness then you see a decent fellow.
Anon1 ~ Excuses are also known under another term ~ reasons.
Are some of my reasons utter bullshit? Absolutely. If I was determined to get my weight under control then I would do whatever it took. It wouldn't require a gym membership or anything other than a road outside, shoes and a will do mentality.
I am not there yet. Maybe someday soon I will be and then hopefully nothing can stop me.
I know you view about children out of wedlock so I won't even comment on that other than to say D was never unwanted, just unplanned.
DiDC is not a prophet.
I'm tickled to see that "the inevitable parade of trolls turn[ing] this thread into an opportunity to overcompensate for their small dicks" never materialized.
Maybe there's hope for humanity yet.
(Although I wouldn't bet the ranch on it.) :)
Rachel- this is a beautiful post. My extra weight happened differently. I struggled with eating disorders all through high school and graduated a size 4. On someone my height with my build, a size 4 is disgusting. Because of all of the things I did to my body when I was bulemic, I now have a very slow metabolism. I spend 45-60 minutes doing cario every night, eat very healthy foods, never snack, and yet still cannot get below a size 14. I know your frustration. And you're right- you won't be able to lose the weight until you're ready. And the looks from people? Yeah, those are hurtful.
A couple of things...
You are utterly beautiful, and I found myself staring at that picture for a long time before I ever even read the post and knew what it was about. You and your son look so positively happy and content in it (and you have the more gorgeous hair...biatch! Haha!) that I can't imagine too many people who have a heart wouldn't be at least somewhat jealous of what it entails.
I must also commend you for having not only the courage and class to write such an openingly raw and truthful post, but for also having the patience and dignity to continually comment back and forth with anon1, of whom I could say so much, but that would just be pointless AND presumptuous of me, now wouldn't it?...
Nicely done, Rachel. You should be proud of yourself!
David In DC ~ I am floored at how awesome everyone has been. I have been humbled by the wonderful things that people have said about me and what they have revealed about themselves.
Ash ~ I know some people who have bulemia. It is a nasty, viscious cyclical disease that is very hard to overcome. Kudos to you for overcoming that.
Any kind of binge dieting/purging or major weight fluxuations will wreak havoc on your metabolism. I know that you are really unhappy with the size that you are. I hope one of two things for you. Either you fall in love with who you are or that you achieve whatever goal you have set for yourself.
AmyD ~ Wow!! Thanks for the compliment but I will tell you a secret. That wasn't my hair. I have a hairpiece that looks like a fancy ponytail. That would be way too much work. I got in at Sam Moon in Texas. The other night I spent about 2 hours curling my hair to go out. I can't imagine doing that every day. UGH!!
I try very hard when someone isn't being really nice to look past their "tone" and look at what they are actually intending with their comment. I actually appreciate Anon1's brutal brand of honesty. At least I will always know where I stand with him. I may not agree with him 90% of the time but I respect his views and opinions.
Can anyone point out where and when I singled out Rachel and attacked her? I posted about BBW as a whole and all of you BBW who are coming after me will thank me when you are 60 if you lose the weight. It's not healthy at all.
I too agree with what you have said Rachel. I may not be a size 22 but I have struggled with my weight as well. I went through elementary, middle school and high school being called "skinny minny" because I was so thin. I tried to gain weight but no matter what I ate, the weight never came on. I then graduated high school and started going to college where I started off taking a total fitness class. I still was 115lbs from when I was in school. However the next semester, I had very limited time to work out due to a heavy school load and lack of time to eat a good home cooked healthy meal. So now I am 170lbs and struggle every day to lose the weight and be active. I understand where you are coming from and give you a lot of credit for what you have accomplished as a person, even if weight loss isn't one of those things. Kudos!
Sofi ~ I had no idea that you are a recoving drug and alcohol addict.
It is fantastic that you are working out.
I remember when I did start to work out that I had no idea what I was doing. I received one weight circuit training and was left on my own. For over a month all I did was circuit train. No cardio. I didn't know that I was supposed to. Then I started the 3 days cardio and 2 days circuit training. Going every day and having to pick up my workout partner made it easier to go and it was a huge achievment for me to not have to stop during my step class to catch my breath. I did feel a lot better. I know that a lot of it is mind over matter (lol...my matter) and I just need to commit.
Everyone ~ Anon1 has never directly insulted me about my weight. What he said was a generalization and although Anon1 and I do not generally agree I respect his right to his opinion and he should not be lambasted for it.
Anon1 ~ I apologize if you feel that you are being attacked unfairly.
No one should make excuses for Anon1......he's just mad because he can't get a date because he is supposedly "soooooo busy" working 13 hr days and "working out" and has a very small penis that doesn't give him any glimpse of hope for anything in the future.
Anonymous #1 ~ Metabolism, hormonal changes and stress can totally change everything can't it?
I was never a skinny minny but I do have an Aunt Minnie. Does that count?
Anonymous #2 ~ I asked that everyone be respectful and as your comment did not pertain to the post but was a direct attack on someone I had to remove your comment. I would love to hear what you have to say that pertains to the post.
Anonymous #3 ~ I don't know much about Anon1's personal life but he seems to be satisfied with it. Please refrain from insulting people on my blog. It takes away from the intent of what I wrote.
I also have no idea of what his penis size is but I will say that if what he write is any indication he has huge cajones.
I actually LIKE Anon1. He keeps me thinking and on my toes.
Rae, I agree that losing weight is mind over matter. I have struggled with this all my life (as you know) and I'm currently trying again to lose weight and eat more heathily. I still struggle to exercize and can find more "reasons" (otherwise known as excuses) to put it off, or not go to the Y. Maybe when you see me in July I'll have lost more than the 25 pounds I have lost over the last 7 months. You are beautiful just the way you are and look even better than when you were 10.
Anonymous ~ Hi Mom!!! ***waving***
I can't wait to see you in July and am so proud of you for everything that you have done in your life. The sacrifices that you have made throughout your life for the ones that you love humble me and make my sacrifices paltry in comparison.
I love you more than words can ever express. I know how much you have struggled with you weight and even if you decide that you don't want to ever lose another pound I still think that you are beautiful.
It is absolutely horrible that people can be so rude. I am truly sorry that these things happen to you. My heart goes out to you. Everyone has struggles in life and it is disappointing that anyone would laugh or point out yours. This is quite upsetting to me. I have been reading your blog for a while now & I think you are wonderful. Forget the superficial idiots!
I want to commend you in your diplomacy. I think you are handling yourself very well.
I like Anon1 work a lot. I work in banking and do 15+ hours per day.. (usually more) and I get up every morning at 6:00AM to go to the gym. I know I have to in order to maintain the type of body that I see for myself. I do this because it is my pattern. It's my "lifestyle". I've never read anything that helps me understand the thoughts of someone that doesn't feel and act that way, so this was very helpful to me. Thanks for that. That said, it is a choice. You can choose to change.
People say to me, "I just can't get up in the morning. I can't do it."
Can't?
Give me a f-ing break. I busted my chops at work all day until 1AM, got 4 hours of sleep and had an alarm go off at 6. Do people think I just spring out of bed? No.. it's discipline. I encourage you to get motivated if it is something you want to do. Set goals and give yourself rewards when you acheieve them.
Your writing was very nice and really has changed my opinions.
Brave post...and this: If I became a recovering alcoholic I would stay away from alcohol 100%. I have to eat. I can't survive without food.
I never thought about it that way. It's a good point.
I too struggle with my weight though it seems so flippant to complain about going from a size eight to a six and back to an eight again. But regardless of what you weigh, if you aren't happy with your body then you aren't happy.
I am now trying to lose the weight I gained. Will it solve all my problems? No. Will I feel better for it? Yes. They say losing weight won't bring you happiness but if it can make you more comfortable in your skin, then why not?
Anyway, like I said, you are brave for posting such personal details (and for coming out of the anonymity closet). Personally I think the word FAT should be stricken off the record. Can we just call you voluptuous? Such more accurate, sensual word.
Freckle ~ I think that people do things inherently to make themselves feel like they are superior. Mocking someones weight is an easy way to achieve that.
I think you are wonderful too.
Mike ~ YOU are the reason that I wrote what I did. I put myself out there, laid myself bare, hoping to help just one person see it from my perspective and hopefully change their opinion. THANK YOU!!!!
Working 15+ hours per day??? I would probably have to shoot myself. There is no way that I could handle that.
I hope that someday living a healthy lifestyle will be the norm for me as well. I have been really inspired by a lot of people today and have lots of hope for my future.
Wanderlust ~ It doesn't matter if it is 10-20 pounds or 100-200 pounds. If it seems insurmountable it will be. I can imagine how frustrating it is to fluxuate all of the time.
At the size that I am my weight stays pretty consistent. If I gain or lose 5 pounds my clothing will fit the same and since I VERY rarely weigh myself I don't really pay attention.
You are such a GORGEOUS woman and I appreciate you admitting that you have self image problems too.
What a well written, thoughtful post Rachel. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings in such a clear and touching way.
Bravo, Rachel, Bravo! What an incredibly brave and touching post. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Oh man I have more self-image problems than you can shake a stick at. It doesn't matter how thin or good looking you are...if you don't see what other people see, then what can you do?
On a different note but keeping to the Poing Out The Obvious train, I HATE it when people come up to me and say:
"You look tired."
I KNOW I look tired, I AM tired, you stupid moron. Arg. Sorry.
i hesitate to respond. many people have said many things. a lot of things i agree with, and a lot of things i disagree with. but, i'm just here to give you a spot of advice.
i work in television. canadian television, actually. it's easy, you should try it. anyways, i write and direct a lot of comedies, not to mention get some sent to me to look over. personally, i found this post you wrote very enjoyable, not because it was an exposé of character, or that you revealed issues and ideas which are interesting to read (although both of which, it was); i actually found this post more interesting because of the potential it holds to make a great comedy. it doesn't even have to be a screen comedy. some of the funniest people i've ever met, were nice, overweight people, who openly made jokes about themselves, and other fatso's. personally, being a fat guy has made my own personal life more grand as well. once upon a time, a fat fellow and i created something we coined as "fat guys hugging" we made a shitty website, and eventually ended up doing a short stand-up tour. anyways, the concept was just us two fatties making very cold harsh fat jokes at each other, each time making it bigger, and bolder. and, of course, as per the title, at the end of the gig, we'd hug, and occasionally get a nice fat audience member to hug with us.
anyways, a quick word of advice! i know you said you're in insurance, and you're probably comfortable there. but, i'm telling you, this article you just wrote has the potential to make for some pretty hillarious social antics, great personality quirks, and, the benefit of people not being able to say that shit behind your back, because you're already saying it in their faces.
in my opinion, you just took a pretty bold step towards moving away from the "Comedienne's Sidekick" and becoming the Comedienne.
l.b. ~ Thank you. I won't admit to being a great writer at any time in my life but when I get inspired it just tends to flood out.
Jada ~ Thank you and your welcome!!
Wanderlust ~ I think sometimes when people say that it is out of concern. Or it could be that they are just assholes and have no tact filter.
Basic Theology ~ While I can understand you looking at it in a comedic light, I will be the first to admit that I am not really funny other than having a slightly caustic sense of humor. I have absolutely no comedic timing and can't keep a straight face if I am performing.
I am good and song parodies but I can't see where that would help in this situation.
Humor is fine even if it is self deprecating. I do sometimes make jokes directed towards myself but I do it because I am self conscious not because I think I am funny.
Great post, Rachel. I'm someone who has gained about 30-40 lbs since working this desk job for 7 years, and I can relate. It's difficult.
Each Christmas, the businesses we do business with bring by huge quantities of treats and snacks, meat & cheese trays, drinks, candy. I sit alone in the office with this stuff all damn day, until the guys come in at the end of the day and eat it or take it home. I've always eaten the stuff all day, and felt gross doing it, but that didn't stop me.
This year, I told myself, "Lisa, when are you going to quit saying "I wanna have more self control in what I put in my body" and DO something about it finally? Will it be any easier for me if I wait til I'm 44 or 54 vs. when I'm 34??
So I decided that very day that I would no longer eat fast food at lunch, as I'd been doing out of convenience. I go to the sandwich shop instead. Each time I felt tempted to grab a candy or open a new snack on the counter beside me, I remembered my words to myself. "When am I going to control what I put into my body??" And I resisted.
You know what I noticed since? 1. When I break down and eat fast food type stuff like fries or a burger, I really crave the candies the rest of the day. 2. For 3 weeks now I've had only 1 headache. This is huge, as I usually have maybe 2 or 3 days of non-headache in a three week period. 3. I went shopping for jeans, and had gone down one size without even knowing it!!! I swear it's from simply avoiding the fast food and snacks. If I added exercise, what could happen???
Most of all, though, I have gained a sense of self worth on the inside (through blogging and making friends here) that has given me the desire to really think about how I feel about my health, and my body, and that has been priceless.
You really are a beauty. In all the ways there are.
What an inspiring post.. I am over weight... I had a son a little over a yr ago and have yet to find the initative to lose it.. I have bounced back and forth .. up and down over the last 15 yrs.. Laziness... stressful life situations and many other reasons as to why I am also a fattie.. I'm told I'm beautiful and sweet.. but when you lack confidence and self-esteem then you lack the drive to lose weight... Before I got pregnant.. I had lost 27 lbs.. I felt great and looked great.. and I did it on my own terms.. Now I need to find that person inside and do it again.. Good for you in talking about weight issues.. A lot more people out there are in the same boat.. From your picture.. you are beautiful and very creative..diet and exercise are two main ingredients in weight loss.. I wish all the best and maybe we can all start our own thing and encourage to lose weight.. and post about it...All the best... BTW.. I really love this blog...
thank you for sending me the link to this post. i needed to read it!
i wonder though, why some people think when we right about our weight, that we are asking for sympathy? i get that a lot too and not anywhere in here do i see you asking for sympathy.
i think it takes courage to talk about the prejudice we experience. thanks for speaking up about your experience.
My name is Janice Still and i would like to show you my personal experience with Depo-Provera.
I am 24 years old. I have been on Depo for 9 years and did not realize that the symptoms I experienced might be related to the shot. I am now facing thousands of dollars in dental work due to bone density loss, and will probably end up with osteoporosis. I am getting off Depo and will never touch it again!
I have experienced some of these side effects-
Low libido, joint pain, bone density loss, dental problems, headaches, fatigue, out of control eating, gained 40 lbs., depression
I hope this information will be useful to others,
Janice Still
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