Thursday, January 18, 2007

There Are Worse Things I Could Do...

There are a lot of things that I have done in my life that I am not proud of. Some of them were minor but a few of them were whoppers. Things that I still think about. Some I regret but some still provide me with a twisted sense of satisfaction and for the life of me I can't bring myself to feel remorseful.
When I was 21 I had a boyfriend named James. He was the first guy that I seriously loved. I was the kind of girl that would date someone and then get sick of them in a few months and break up with them. Not James. He was someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with.
We dated for a few months and then he found out that he was being transferred to Egypt. He was in the Army so you don't really have a choice. We broke up about 2 months before he left because I actually bought into the line that it was better to break it off earlier rather than later to make it less painful.
Although we were no longer "a couple" we still saw each other and continued to sleep together. I had a pregnancy scare and someone that we both knew was telling him lies that I was sleeping around with other guys. He said some hurtful things to me and I got mad and stopped communicating with him.
A few months later I had taken my friend to see her boyfriend who happened to live in the same barracks building as my ex. I saw James' car there and thought that it was strange but since I didn't know how everything worked I figured that he was having a friend take care of it or that it would be parked there until he returned.
My friend was "busy" visiting her boyfriend so I had to make myself scarce. I walked down the hallway heading towards James' old room and noticed that the things that he had on his door were still there. I heard some noise coming out from the room so I knocked on the door and he opened it.
I looked and him and said "I just wanted to let you know that I am not pregnant", turned and walked away. He closed his door for 5 second and then opened it back up and came after me. We stopped in the stairwell and talked for a while.
He told me that his orders had been cancelled and that he was staying where he was. I naively thought that meant that we might get back together. Uh, not so much.
I found out that he was now dating someone else and he used the cheesy line that if he broke up with her to be with me that would mean that he might do the same to me. But of course he still wanted to hook up with me. I was dumb enough to believe him and loved him enough that I was willing to be with him any way that I could.
About a month into this cycle of weekly illicit meetings and getting my hopes up and having them shot down I was feeling pretty crappy. I wasn't the kind of girl that allows someone to cheat was I?
Apparently I was even worse.
James called me one morning from his girlfriends apartment while she was working and invited me over. I was super jealous of her and wanted to see what she looked like (in photos) and what her apartment looked like. I knew that this was probably not the best idea but I was still in love with James so I went over.
Her apartment was ok. It was fully furnished and since I was currently living at home with my parents I thought that it was nice. I saw some photos of her with her daughter and although she was decent looking she had that slightly androgynous look that many women in the military have.
Soon after I arrived there James showed me the upstairs which had 2 bedrooms. He takes me into Monique's bedroom ( the girlfriend) and makes his move. We start to make out and we lay down on her bed. We end up having sex on her bed and the whole time I was looking at a photo of her with her daughter.
I know that I should have felt that what we did was wrong but I couldn't seem to get over this twisted sense of triumph that I felt. He wanted me SOOO much that he defiled HER bed to have me.
This my friends is the worst thing that I have ever done. I know that it is a really shitty thing to do and if I had a boyfriend who brought his ex over to have sex on my bed I would be disgusted and devastated.
But for some reason I still can't bring myself to feel sorry about what I did.


Erica said...

Dear Rachel,
Lovely, heartfelt and honest post as usual.
I believe that all of us have done some things we are not proud of because it made us feel good at the time. I am certainly guilty of that and have done bad things too in my past! But you were young and in love and it's okay to make mistakes and not even regret them, because without making them you would not be who you are now or would not have learned so much.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Freckle Face Girl said...

Confessions... We all do stupid/silly things as young girls that we would take back. For several months, I dated a military guy (captain) who planned our marriage & whole life. I tried to break up with him almost everyday, but I was too nice about it & he just wouldn't listen. I started dating another guy that was completely opposite. I hate that I was a cheater, but sadly there is not much regret. If I could take qualities from each, that would have been the perfect man. :)

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Wow, Rachel. Great post. So how'd it finally end with this guy? That's what I want to know....

reformattingmybrain said...

Rachel you are so strong to put this out there. We've all done terrible things, things we think we should be sorry for, but can't be given the circumstances. We learn from our mistakes and sometimes even though they seem awful they may have been a good mistake to make.

Rachel said...

Erica ~ I was young and stupid in love. I definitely learned a lot from that relationship. Mainly to value myself more.

Freckle ~ I haven't ever cheated on someone I was dating but I think that knowingly allowing that person to cheat on someone else with you is just as bad. That is what I am guilty of.

SML ~ How did it end? In some ways it still hasn't ended. He moved away, got married and had a child and I had my son and moved to Michigan. Occasionally he will call or email me out of the blue telling me that he misses me and that he knows that we will be together someday. Currently he is in Iraq and I haven't heard from him since August. I do check the casualty lists sometimes to make sure that he isn't listed.

Reformat ~ I have done some really stupid things in my life and have regretted them. I don't know why I don't regret this one other than to say that love will truly make you do the most idiotic things.

Anonymous said...

Holy Crap!!!!!! You got balls that's for sure woman. Your post rocks and if anyone trys to say they don't regret something their a liar!!!!!! I will not get into it but I just want to say I think this post is one of the best ones yet. Your intelligent, funny and know more about yourself now than you did before. Just grow from it and say, Heck ya!!!!

Dennis said...

hubba hubba. Sounds like you had an adventure that you will always remember. I don't think that was a nice thing to do but it will be something that you can smile about while you are sitting with your grand kids talking about all the bad things they have done. Any pictures involved?

David in DC said...

I'm appointing myself your attorney for this matter. There are two defenses here. Both are complete and each is independent of the other. Shoot one down and the other still obtains.

1) The legal principle first enshrined in the Magna Carta and later passed down to NBA refs in playoff games --- No harm, no foul. If she never found out, you hurt no one.

2) Statute of limitations. Or as Dubya puts it when excusing his cocaine use, "When I was young and foolish, I was young and foolish."

I'm not aiming to devalue your conscience; you know you did something wrong that could have been hurtful to someone who'd done nothing to deserve it.

But I am aiming to mitigate it some. You hurt no one. And it was a long time ago.

The defense rests.

Oh, and I agree with everyone else, this is a beutifully written and evocative vignette.

Rachel said...

Kay ~ I agree that if someone says that they have never done something that they regret they are lying. Moving past that regret and getting on with life is the key.
Thanks for the compliment.

Dennis ~ Uh, not for this particular episode. I hope that this conversation with the grandkids doesn't come up until they are grown.

David In DC ~ I don't know if she ever found out. I haven't ever had an angry 6 foot tall woman who could probably pound me to dust come after me.
It has been a long time which is why I wasn't ashamed to admit what I did. Ten years ago I wouldn't have admitted this to the world unless there was a LOT of money involved.

playtah said...

At least you didn't kill anyone. Or bomb a country.

Anonymous said...

Rachel's a dirty girl.

Lydia said...

Yeah, we definitely all make mistakes. I think the best we can do sometimes is to move on and learn from them, but not let regret get the better of us. I certainly know that when my heart is involved logic and reason can go out the window at times. I think it's part of what makes us human.

Rachel said...

Playtah ~ There are a lot of things that I could have done that are much worse than this. But I do think this is pretty bad.

Anon a.k.a. Dennis ~ I am! I am a dirty, dirty girl!!! LOL

Lydia ~ Love co-existing with logic would be an oxymoron. They exist separately but for the majority of people cannot co-exist together. Especially in the blush of new love.

l.b. said...

What a great story! Sure, he played you, but the fact that you two are still in touch says something about your relationship.

The Furtive Wangler said...

Thanks for sharing this. You rebel. You evil maneater. You delicious vixen. You vamp. All is fair in love and war as they say.

John said...

You remind me of my first love.

I had to throw her under a bus.


Sex & Moxie said...

This is a great post! If you started justifying why you did what you did then I would have immediately checked out. But you did what few people do and actually accepted responsibility and acknowledged that it was a shitty thing to do. I have a lot of respect for people who do that.

Rachel said...

l.b. ~ He did play me and at times continues to try and play me. I am on to the games now and won't play. It is a really long drawn out story of our relationship and I am sure that I will be able to get lots of posts out of it.

Furtive ~ Me? A delicious vixen? A vamp? Oooohhh I like you more every day. hehe

John ~ OUCH!!! I guess all I can say is that I am glad that I wasn't your girlfriend.

Sex & Moxie ~ I very rarely try to justify bad behavior. What is the point in that? Everyone knows that what I did was wrong and the only thing that trying to justify it would do is make me look like a fool. I think that admitting your failures and mistakes makes me a better, stronger person.

Tara said...

That's quite a photo you used for your post, Rachel! That guy is kinda cute.

Wanderlusting said...

I wouldn't worry about...if that's the worst thing, than consider yourself a saint!

We have all been there, especially when motivated by love, jealousy and insecurity. You were young and have nothing to be sorry for. After all, YOU weren't the one in the relationship, he was. If anyone should feel sorry, it should be him.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

I love the Stockard Channing title....she was awesome in that movie, wasn't she?

Not so little Woman said...

Oh man! Kudos on such a wonderful and honest post, specially when it's about something 'bad' that has been done. We all have our share of them. Lord knows I have mine and some of them still take my breath away when I visit them.

On a totally unrelated topic, thanks for your wonderful comment on my blog!

Rachel said...

Tara ~ I tried to find a photo of Rizzo from Grease singing the song but was unsuccessful. This was my backup photo.

Lusty ~ Even though technically I wasn't the cheater, I was a full participant in the cheating. I don't think that lets me off the hook.
I am far from a saint. I have done some really crappy things, this just happens to be the worst.

SML ~ I tried to find a photo of Stockard Channing as Rizzo singing the song but couldn't find anything decent. Then I was going to put the YouTube video on there along with the post. I couldn't get it to upload. Grrrr

Not So Little Woman ~ I hear you on the taking your breath away thing. But writing about the things that I do is strangely liberating and very freeing. I am finding out more about myself by writing than I have for a long time.
Welcome to my blog!!