Tuesday, January 16, 2007

It Could Have Been So Beautiful, Could Have Been So Right

A few months ago while I was on vacation I saw someone that I have known for years. Thomas is a really nice guy, funny and very cute in a geeky, cereberal kind of way (just the way I like 'em). We were neighbors when I was 18-20ish and we got to know each other pretty well.
I had just graduated high school and was living life to the fullest. I always had something to do or somewhere to go but in the down time Thomas and I would have really fantastic conversations and we became good friends. He knew me better than most people did because he saw me at my best and my worst.
I was living at home with my parents and I remember sitting on the front steps of my house and having some of the greatest in depth conversations with Thomas and letting him get to know the real me. Not the one that I portrayed to the world or the surface Rachel. Thomas saw the Rachel that had ugly secrets and a sometimes disturbing past. He would also let me know who the real Thomas was and things that he had done or experienced that most people were never privy to.
While I was in Washington I saw Thomas. We caught up on each others lives and since neither of us had anywhere special to go we were able to sit down and catch up on each others lives. He is now married with children and has been for quite a few years.
We fell back into our same pattern of talking and he told me that marriage wasn't all that it was cracked up to be and as hard as he tried that his wife just doesn't seem to care about him anymore. He adores his children but his marriage is on the rocks.
Then he did something that shocked the heck out of me. He told me that he had a huge crush on me when we were neighbors and that he has always cared about me and sometimes would think what it was like if we were together.
The entire time that we were friends I never knew that he felt about me this way. What he didn't know is that I had a huge crush on him too. I never did anything about it because everything seemed platonic from his side.
We both realized that we missed out on something that could have been very significant in each others life. Would we be married today? Who knows but it would have been really, really nice to have at least had the opportunity to see what might have happened.
This is not the first time that this has happened to me. I have a crush on someone but I think that they are not interested in me that way. So I don't say anything and I keep it on the friendship level. I do this because I fear rejection but even more than that I fear losing the friendship that I have with this person. Then I find out years later when both of us are in competely different places in our lives and I sit and wonder what might have been.
I have decided that I am no longer going to do this. I will not hold back my feelings for someone if we are both available. I don't want to find out that someone who could possibly have been "the one" is now someone else's "one".
I am not sure how I will modify this behavior but since this isn't a one time occurence, I don't want to miss out on the next opportunity.
So, if you are my friend and you have a crush on me, please let me know. You never know, I might just surprise you.


Freckle Face Girl said...

What could have been... Now that you are available and he wants to be, this is going to be tough on him.

It is difficult to open up and share those types of feelings. Good luck!

reformattingmybrain said...

Very tough situation. Like I always try to tell myself... If it's meant to be it will. Having a friendship like that is one of the greatest things ever.

Sofi said...

Another great post, Rachel. Man, you are good.

I met my boyfriend 7 years ago, at work. When we were introduced, I was instantly drawn to him. A few weeks later, he was off for a couple of days, on his honeymoon. EVen though I was in a relationship, I was really bummed that he got married. Years later, when we were both single, he told me that he had always felt something for me. I never would have imagined that we would end up together, but we did. He was worth the wait.

Playtah said...

Does Thomas have a brother? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Regarding Thomas, if you two would have dated, you might not be here, and I wouldn't know you. So maybe it's good things didn't work out? Ho's before Bro's? Chicks before dicks?


Rachel said...

Freckle ~ The good thing is that he lives over 2000 miles away so my being single shouldn't have much impact on his decision or daily life. My wish for him is that he is happy no matter what turns his life takes.

Reformat ~ It was one of the deepest friendships that I have ever had with a straight male. The fact that we haven't seen or talked to each other for years and fall back into the same friendship pattern says a lot to me about the foundation that we built so long ago.

Sofi ~ That is awesome!! Sucks that he got married and divorced and had to go through that but I am sure that he can see what a gem you are even clearer for going through that.

Playtah ~ All of Thomas' brothers are married and even if they weren't they are too far away.
I think that God would have put you in my path no matter where we were. A friendship like ours transcends location.

Babybull40 said...

Always tough trying to figure out feelings of another person you trust.. it sounds as though you two would've made a good match.. It's too bad that he has to go through a rough time.. does he know you also had a crush on him and may still have feelings for him..? If you two are picking up where you left off then maybe he can still be the one...

Arnold said...

I have a crush on you.


Moment said...

I once had a crush on someone that I was friends with since grade school.
We both ended up admitting our feeling for each other our Senior year, but decided not to have a relationship because we didn't want to ruin our friendship. I've lost contact with him over the years and I still wonder what would of happened if we tried.

I'm glad you had a chance to see Thomas again and get things out. Sometimes that's the best therapy in life.

Rachel said...

Babybull ~ He does know how I felt about him too. I still have feelings for him but I am not the kind of person that will encourage anyone to end their marriage. Especially with kids involved.
I want Thomas to be happy, whether that includes me or not.

Arnold ~ You just have a crush on me because my name is Rachel.. you are silly

Moment ~ I had actually seen Thomas in the past but neither of us had ever said anything. I don't know what was different this time.
The best part was knowing that someone thinks that I am beautiful inside and out, warts and all.

Arnold said...

Damn! (How'd you guess?)

Lydia said...

A very poignant story. The what ifs in life are tough to look in the face as you have. I like the sound of your new attitude, though i can relate to your uncertainty about how to change things. Good luck with that.