A few months ago while I was on vacation I saw someone that I have known for years. Thomas is a really nice guy, funny and very cute in a geeky, cereberal kind of way (just the way I like 'em). We were neighbors when I was 18-20ish and we got to know each other pretty well.
I had just graduated high school and was living life to the fullest. I always had something to do or somewhere to go but in the down time Thomas and I would have really fantastic conversations and we became good friends. He knew me better than most people did because he saw me at my best and my worst.
I was living at home with my parents and I remember sitting on the front steps of my house and having some of the greatest in depth conversations with Thomas and letting him get to know the real me. Not the one that I portrayed to the world or the surface Rachel. Thomas saw the Rachel that had ugly secrets and a sometimes disturbing past. He would also let me know who the real Thomas was and things that he had done or experienced that most people were never privy to.
While I was in Washington I saw Thomas. We caught up on each others lives and since neither of us had anywhere special to go we were able to sit down and catch up on each others lives. He is now married with children and has been for quite a few years.
We fell back into our same pattern of talking and he told me that marriage wasn't all that it was cracked up to be and as hard as he tried that his wife just doesn't seem to care about him anymore. He adores his children but his marriage is on the rocks.
Then he did something that shocked the heck out of me. He told me that he had a huge crush on me when we were neighbors and that he has always cared about me and sometimes would think what it was like if we were together.
The entire time that we were friends I never knew that he felt about me this way. What he didn't know is that I had a huge crush on him too. I never did anything about it because everything seemed platonic from his side.
We both realized that we missed out on something that could have been very significant in each others life. Would we be married today? Who knows but it would have been really, really nice to have at least had the opportunity to see what might have happened.
This is not the first time that this has happened to me. I have a crush on someone but I think that they are not interested in me that way. So I don't say anything and I keep it on the friendship level. I do this because I fear rejection but even more than that I fear losing the friendship that I have with this person. Then I find out years later when both of us are in competely different places in our lives and I sit and wonder what might have been.
I have decided that I am no longer going to do this. I will not hold back my feelings for someone if we are both available. I don't want to find out that someone who could possibly have been "the one" is now someone else's "one".
I am not sure how I will modify this behavior but since this isn't a one time occurence, I don't want to miss out on the next opportunity.
So, if you are my friend and you have a crush on me, please let me know. You never know, I might just surprise you.