I had an epiphany today while I was commenting on SnackiePoo's blogpost about struggling with her inner demons about gaining a few pounds.
If you haven't been a long time reader, go and read here and here before you continue...
Go ahead. I'll wait.
Are you back now? Great.
Now that you are aware of some of my history in regards to my weight and also being raped at a young age I hope that this next part makes more sense.
I realized that part of me wants to stay fat because it makes me feel safer. Not safe, but safer.
If I am fat, the risk of me being attacked or raped is significantly lower. I don't have to worry about being accosted by someone and not being left alone if I want to. Because I will be honest, if I was skinny, I would be pretty hot.
How fucked up is it that I am willing to live half a life at twice the size out of fear? I thought that I had worked through all of the issues that my being raped had heaped onto my psyche. I thought that it didn't really affect me that much anymore and now I realize that the fear has locked me into my own prison of flab and inactivity.
Instead of working through my issues, I ate through them and continue to do so. Mentally I want to lose weight. Physically I want to lose weight. Emotions & fear keep me going to the freezer and getting my favorite Haagen Daaz Carmel Cone ice cream and eating the entire pint in one sitting.
I honestly don't know how to fix this and I am reeling from this realization. Now what the hell do I do?