Manners ~ An Almost Lost Art

Me and Devon in San Atonio, TX

Devon and I went to Subway yesterday. I was being lazy and was craving a ham sub on 9 grain wheat bread. I have a bit of a weakness for their Southwest Chipotle sauce and will indulge occasionally. On the side of course. The calories are horrendous so I am careful to ask for half the container and then use only about a tablespoon or so.

Anyway, this isn’t about my sandwich preferences. It is about Devon.

A couple of months ago we had gone to the same Subway. I was having a bad day and didn’t want anything so I sent Devon in on his own to get his sandwich which is always a turkey and American cheese. He came out about 5 minutes later with a HUGE grin on his face. The guy behind the counter had given him free cookies. I asked Devon why and he told me that the guy had told him that it was because he was so polite. I thought that was pretty cool and said “Good job Buddy! Sometimes manners are rewarded” and promptly forgot about the entire episode until yesterday.

Yesterday I went in with Devon to purchase our sandwiches. I made him get ham this time because turkey isn’t one of the $5 foot long options and payday isn’t until tomorrow. We were discussing bread options and Devon decided to try the Italian herb and cheese this time. He likes to live dangerously. LOL

He saw the guy (probably late teens or early 20’s) behind the counter and said “Hi Sir! I remember you, do you remember me?” The guy said “I sure do” and turned to me and said “He is the politest boy I have ever met.”

The lady behind the counter was the one that was taking Devon’s order and also said that he was incredibly polite. I think that Devon might have been subtly hoping for another free cookie but he did not ask them for one. Instead I purchased one for him because I don’t care who you are…if a guy at Subway remembers your kid because they are so polite after 2 months they deserve a cookie. And more.

Devon I am so proud of the young man that you are becoming. Thoughtful, polite, gallant and last but not least…funny as freakin’ heck! I couldn’t be more proud.

Closed For Repairs

I was joking around with someone today. They were talking about having heart bubbles (that giddy feeling when you are falling for someone) and I replied that I have no heart. It was a joke but the reply “so you can’t fall in love?” came back and made me think.

Love for me equals disappointment, abandonment and failure. Every man in my life has let me down.

The man who provided sperm to create me wanted and chooses to this day to have nothing to do with me.

My dad (he adopted me when he married my mom when I was a year old) left when I was 10 and never really made an effort to continue our relationship. He put it all on me to call him if I wanted to spend time with him. He never called me.

My cousin who raped me when I was 10. He was supposed to be family and yet he betrayed and disappointed not just me, but the entire family.

My first (and probably only) true love left and moved to Colorado and married someone else within 6 months of moving there when we had been together for 3 prior. He treated my heart as if it didn’t really matter. He did admit that he realized afterwards what a huge mistake he made treating me so callously, but the damage was already done.

My brother devastated our family with poor choices that he made that he will be paying for the rest of his life.

Devon’s dad who after I got pregnant accused me of getting pregnant by someone else and trying to pin it on him. It took a paternity test for him to believe me. Then I moved across the country so that my son could have a relationship with his dad and I never got so much as a thank you. Instead I tried to make it work with someone that was unreliable, involved others in our relationship until I had to end it because I couldn’t depend on him to be responsible and grow up.

And people wonder why I am so closed off emotionally. I hide it pretty well. I am thoughtful, smart and empathetic. But I don’t involve my heart. I try, but I just can’t. How can I trust anyone to treat it carefully when every single person that I have entrusted with it (or thought about entrusting it to) has casually thrown it away?

I will tell someone that I love them… and maybe part of me does. But I don’t give them all of my heart. I don’t open up that most vulnerable part of myself and let them in. That little room that carries the absolute essence of who I am. The one that if destroyed, would destroy me.

I want so desperately to be loved and to love in return. I am well versed in infatuation, desire and friendship, but I crave the elusive co-mingling of souls. The feeling that provides a certainty that this person loves me without reservation.

Then I wonder how I can expect or even hope for someone to love me without reserve when I can’t return the same to them.

There are times when I have thought that the potential is there. Like an oyster with the precious pearl. I slowly start to open up hoping that this is it. This is the time that love will take ahold and rattle me to my bones. Then, it never fails… before I can open completely and give them that precious pearl, hurt, disappointment or disillusionment occurs and I snap back closed. Once that happens there is almost no chance of my heart ever opening again.

Of course I wonder flippantly if any man deserves my love. Being on the dating scene has definitely made me wonder about the quality of available men that are out there. But then I guess that I may not be the catch that I thought I was. After all, who wants someone that might not ever be able to really, really love them?

I Want To Be A Loser, Not A Looser

I remember back to when I was fat I thought that if I was skinny, that it would fix all of my problems. Even as I got closer and closer to my goal I still had this fantasy life that would play over and over in my head where I would have a rock hard body, men falling at my feet and fewer problems.

Reality set in around the beginning of this year and slowly I have come to accept the fact that it doesn’t matter if you are fat or skinny, a girl is going to have problems. Some problems are the same ones I have dealt with for years, others have slowly surfaced as other problems faded away as the weight came off.

I am surprised by the fact that I am still incredibly self conscious about my body. Not the size anymore, but the damage that I did to it by being overweight for so many years. When I meet new people, I don’t want them to see loose skin sagging on my arms or my thighs. I don’t want them to know off the bat that I used to be almost twice the size that I am now. I want to establish Skinny Rachel before people find out that I used to be Fattie Rachel.

When I go out with friends, I do not wear sleeveless or short sleeved outfits. I always layer it with at least an elbow length shrug or a sweater or sweatshirt. I use the excuse that I get cold easily (which I do.. I freeze all the time) but it is more because I don’t want people to see the loose, stretch marked upper arm skin that I have hanging. I know that many people would say that my “bat wings” are a badge of honor. That it is proof of my determination and will to lose the weight. I see it as a neon flag announcing to the world my former fatdom.

I look at my body and usually all I see is the sagging skin. I don’t have a pannus (hanging down belly) because even when I was at my heaviest, I carried my weight mainly in my thighs, bum and arms. I will wear things that are above my knees, but only with control top panty hose to keep the jello jiggle down.

I went to a water park in Texas and another one in Michigan. I have a bikini, but instead of wearing the normal bottoms, I wore the meshy work out shorts that went down to my knees along with the bikini top. I looked for a swimsuit with the matching board shorts, but couldn’t find them anywhere. I get frustrated that I am still so uncomfortable in my body that I cover it up just as much if not more than I did before.

And then the coup de tat. What I have not so lovingly dubbed my girls. I now call them goobs. My cute euphemism for grandma boobs. They are truly sad reflections of what they used to be. My friend Ann is pregnant with baby #3 and nursed the first 2. Her girls are perkier than mine ever were and every time I change in front of her, she gives me this sympathetic look and says “We need to find a way to get you plastic surgery”. To give you a decent comparison just look at a large balloon that has been inflated and deflated about 100 times. Couple that with an ass that people have agreed looks like a Sharpei and you can probably understand why I am almost looking forward to winter.

The thought of being physically intimate with someone who hasn’t seen my naked body makes my stomach churn and I imagine them being grossed out but conversely fascinated by the shapes they can make with my loose skin like it’s Play Doh or something. I wonder who would want someone who is saggy and baggy.

I know, I know…. If someone loves me, they should love all of me, loose skin and all. But let’s be real folks. Our society is very much a physically superficial society. For every Camryn Manheim there are 500 Cameron Diaz’s. I am superficial right along with the rest of them. I prefer a guy who is in shape, taller than me, good looking and has good teeth.

There isn’t much that I can do about the loose skin other than have it surgically removed. I looked into all of the procedures that I would have to have (basically a full body lift) and it averages about $40,000. None of it is severe enough that insurance would cover it so that means that I would have to come up with the entire amount myself. Or, I could set up a PayPal donate button and try to convince people to give me their hard earned money to pay a rich doctor to slice my body apart. Hmmmm… maybe not.

I just feel helpless and frustrated about something that I can’t really change without a huge infusion of money in my bank account. Maybe that is why I dwell on it so much. It is just tantalizingly out of reach. The possibility is there, but there is not much of a chance of me actualizing the possibility.

What Happens When You Hit A Soccer Ball Into A Net?

You make GOAL!!!!!

Yup! After just over 2 years, I have met my Weight Watchers goal.

Starting Weight: 287.5
Current Weight: 154.2


Total lost:133.3 pounds




I started at a size 24 and currently wear a size 8. I wore a 9.5 wide shoe and currently wear a 8.5 - 9 regular. My ring size went from a 10.5 to a 7.


How did I do it? A ton of support from friends, family and folks at the 100+ pounds to lose board on the WW website. Understanding and accepting why I got so fat in the first place and realizing that I didn't have to life my life in a self imposed prison. A determination that I honestly had no idea existed within me and the admiration and respect that I earned not only from other people, but from within too.


When I started this journey (that will never really end and I am totally ok with that) I never really thought that I would get to goal. I thought I would give it a shot. I told myself I would be thrilled to get to a size 16. I haven't been in a single digit size since junior high and it seemed totally unattainable. I had heard people use the phrase over and over again "If I can do it, you can do it." and I never really bought into it. Didn't really believe that anyone was as far down the road of obesity that I was and was able to turn it around to the point where I was at a healthy weight. Here I sit two years later telling you "If I can do it, so can you."


Something that I used to do, and hide from people, was a few times per week I would hit the McDonald's drive thru and get 2 double cheeseburgers, 2 medium fries and a medium chocolate shake. I would drive home, usually eating the first medium fry and then sit at home, eating the rest of the food mindless bite by mindless bite. By the time I was done, I would be uncomfortably full and would have to take a nap because I was so tired.


The heavier I got, the more tired I became and the more I would eat. The more I ate, the more I slept. The more I slept, the more depressed I would become and would turn to food to feel better. It was a vicious cycle of food, inactivity, boredom and depression.


There are times that I still feel like FFR (Former Fat Rachel). There are days that I am bored, tired and hungry. Are there days that I lose control and binge? Absolutely. But, the binges are far smaller than they used to be and fewer and farther between than they used to be.


I remember a couple of weeks ago I binged on cherries, saltine crackers and 2% cheese. I went over my points for the day and the week, but I tracked it all and the next day I stuck to my points. I know that there are always going to be days that I eat out of control, but I always accept responsibility for my actions and do not give myself a free pass to eat out of control the next day, or even the next meal.


People tell me that I inspired them. Some people have joined WW because they saw me on my journey. Most of them gave up and quit. It used to really upset me but now I realize that they aren't ready yet. When they are truly ready, nothing will be able to stop them. I can't take responsibility for their failures or choices. I can only accept responsibility for my own. Don't get me wrong, I was and will be as supportive as all get out, but I won't take the blame for them not being able to do what I did. I used to get frustrated, but I have to worry about myself and not allow them to upset my applecart.


Is my life a lot different? Some aspects of it is and most are not. I still think about food all the time, but instead of eating everything that I want, when I want, I plan my meals for the most part. I always bring breakfast and lunch with me to work and very rarely deviate from what I brought. I don't eat out nearly as much as I used to and when I do eat out, I tend to find something point friendly and stick with it. I almost never eat fried foods and eat a lot of fresh fruit and veggies.


I still love to watch television and will still eat in bed sometimes. Now I work it into my program rather than eating everything that isn't tied down. I will eat a 1 point mini bag of popcorn or a vita muffin instead of a big bowl of ice cream with cookies or brownies and hot fudge.

It is all about choices, not sacrifice. I choose to eat food that keeps me on track. I can also choose to have a decadent slice of chocolate cake, as long as I either plan for it, or accommodate it into the program. It isn't rocket science, it is more like 4th grade science. I know that this is for the rest of my life and am happy to embrace the challenge.


I still have work to do and work to have done....anyone who loses this much weight has issues with loose skin and my poor girls are truly, truly sad deflated reflections of what they used to be. I would rather deal with saggy skin than skin filled with fat, but if anyone knows a good plastic surgeon that does pro bono work, throw a girl a bone okay??? LOL

Me with my leader Lisa

A Walk Down Memory Lane

People have been asking to see some updated photos but I thought that it would be better to take a lovely walk to remember where I started and where I am now..... Enjoy the walk with me.

This used to be my favorite photo pre- WW (weighed approx 285-290 pounds) . Some time in 2006.

This is as close to a full body shot that I have at about the same weight. We were both laughing.

This was my birthday in October 2007. I had lost 40 pounds. Weight was about 247.

Here I am again at my pre-ww weight (ignore the horrific eyeshadow) and me taking a photo when I had lost 50 pounds in the same outfit. Left photo approx 285-190/ Right photo approx 235-240 pounds.

Here I am in March of 2008. I was feeling very sexy that night. Weight was 219 pounds.

Another one from the same night.

75 pounds down. Posing with my WW leader Lisa in April 2008

Just another 5 pounds down.... Current weight approx 207. End of April 2008

Now for some reason I don't have any photos of me available right now (not at home) so i will start again showing my photos where I am at around 185.... Lost 102 pounds.

Here I am on my birthday October 2008. I was home for my Nana's funeral but made my best effort. Current weight was 175. Total lost 111.

And here we are at the end... These photos were taken today by my best friend Wendy with her iPhone.... Current weight 163. Total lost 123 pounds.

Bridge Over Troubled Weight Loss

Anyone who has been reading my blog for any length of time knows that I am a fattie. No matter what I weigh, I will always be a fattie inside even if I am not a fattie outside. The demons will always be screaming to get out. The cheeseburgers will always be shouting my name.

Sometimes the demons and cheeseburgers whisper and I can tune it out and focus on more important things. Other times they are screaming so loud that it is all I can do to make it to the drive-thru fast enough and only order one.

The demons have been getting louder lately. It seems that with the slower my weight loss goes, the louder they get. The more frustrated and discouraged I get.

Over the holidays I had a rough couple of weeks. I didn't get completely out of control, but I went over my points two weeks in a row by about 20. I still tracked everything and when I saw that 3 pound gain on the scale, I accepted it and got back on track.

What drives me crazy is that I will lose weight and then gain most of it back. Back and forth. What used to be a pretty consistent downward trend has turned into a battle royale. I am going to post my numbers so that you can get an idea of what I am talking about.


1/28/2009 167.4 lbs +2.6 lbs - 119.6 lbs
1/21/2009 164.8 lbs - 4.0 lbs - 122.2 lbs
1/14/2009 168.8 lbs - 1.8 lbs - 118.2 lbs
1/7/2009 170.6 lbs + 3.0 lbs - 116.4 lbs
1/2/2009 167.6 lbs - 1.0 lbs - 119.4 lbs
12/24/2008 168.6 lbs - 0.8 lbs - 118.4 lbs
12/17/2008 169.4 lbs - 5.4 lbs - 117.6 lbs
12/10/2008 174.8 lbs + 0.6 lbs - 112.2 lbs
12/3/2008 174.2 lbs + 2.0 lbs - 112.8 lbs
11/26/2008 172.2 lbs -- - 114.8 lbs
11/19/2008 172.2 lbs + 0.4 lbs - 114.8 lbs
11/12/2008 171.8 lbs + 0.8 lbs - 115.2 lbs
11/5/2008 171.0 lbs - 3.6 lbs - 116.0 lbs

As you can see by the ups and downs I have lost a total of 3.6 pounds in 3 months. It is very frustrating when before I averaged about a 7 pound weight loss per month. Now I am averaging 1.2 pounds per month. Part of it could be that it is winter and my workouts have tapered a bit, Christmas certainly didn't help and I am starting to wonder if the new birth control that I am on is hindering my weight loss too.

Whatever the reasons, it is frustrating to see such a significant drop in weight loss. It isn't so easy anymore. It is probably my body's way of making me humble. Here I thought that it wasn't all that hard to lose weight and now karma has come back and bitchslapped me in the face.

Don't worry, I have no plans to quit and gain back the weight that I have lost and if it takes a year to lose that last 15-20 pounds, by god I will be clawing tooth and bloody nail to reach my goal.

I guess nothing really worth having comes THAT easy. Unfortunately.

Good Will'in It

Lately I haven't been shopping all that much. I rarely purchase new clothing. Mostly because although I am still losing weight, I haven't been dropping the pounds nearly as fast as I was in the past.

I can currently wearing a size 10/12 depending on the cut. But, I have been wearing all 12's. Why you ask? Because I am too cheap to go out and buy new clothes.

I am trying to stay within my budget and not put anything on credit cards. Not only does it suck, but it makes it hard to have a complete wardrobe when I keep losing weight.

Enter in my new store of choice. Good Will. Yes, I have been shopping regularly at the Good Will and have noticed a few things.

There are a lot of really short people in the world. You have no idea how many times I have tried something on and it turn into high waters.

People seem to like really short waisted sweaters. I prefer my sweater to hit somewhere between 2-6 inches below the waistband of my pants to avoid showing everyone my pale, slightly loose skin. Most sweaters either hit my thighs or barely skim the waistband of my pants.

Why do people cut the tags out of their clothing and then donate it???? I makes me crazy when I can't tell if it is a small, medium or large?

They never really have what I am looking for. This weekend I will be hitting a few Good Will's because I am going on a cruise in April and I need some summer clothing. NOTHING that I have from last year still fits except for 2 t-shirts. No shorts, skirts, skorts, capri's or even dresses. Basically I have to get a decent summer wardrobe with little to no cash.

I have found some great finds. I got my winter coat there for $9.00. It isn't really my style, but it is warm and fits. I figure I can focus on the style when I actually invest in a good winter coat when I get to goal.

I got quite a few Christmas decorations there along with some pajamas that I really needed. I was still wearing drawstring shorts and a t-shirt from before I started losing weight.

The one big purchase that I have to make is for a new swimsuit. I am NOT looking forward to it considering that I do have quite a bit of loose skin on my thighs and my arms. I also won't buy a used one because to me that is the same as buying someone's used panties. Not gonna happen.

Not sure where I am going to find a decent selection of swimsuits in February/March, but it definitely won't be at the Good Will.

A Question He Will Regret Asking

In the car earlier this week Devon asked me if I have ever lied to him. I told him that yes, I had lied to him.

He asked me what I had lied to him about. I told him that he didn't want to know and that if I did tell him that he would regret asking.

He kept badgering and badgering me about it so I finally said " If I tell you, you will be sad and you will be upset that you asked". He promised me that he wouldn't be upset or mad so I told him.

"There is no Tooth Fairy"

I thought for sure that he had already figured out that there was no Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus etc. but I guess I was wrong. He was totally shocked. He asked what happened to the teeth. I told him that I had them in my dresser drawer. Then he asked about where the money came from etc.

I told him that because he knows that the tooth fairy doesn't exist that now he doesn't get any more money when he loses teeth. He was soooooo disappointed.

He was also sorry that he asked.

Are you talking to me????

"Don't lose any more weight. You are getting sooo skinny."

Huh? Seriously? Are you talking to me?

I hear this quite often actually and it never ceases to surprise me that people think that I am skinny. Me! Skinny! (mind still boggling)

I know that I have been very sporadic with the posting lately and to be honest with you, I don't know if it will change any time soon.

Life is busy. I am in love and trying to incorporate a relationship into a life that was already full. Sometimes there is a bit of juggling going on. I worry that my friends think that I have abandoned them even though I do make an effort to spend time with them. (Funny Girl ~ you, me and Tivo tomorrow night!)

My weight loss has slowed down dramatically. It took me 6 months to lose 50 pounds. It took me another 7.5 months to lose the second 50. It has been 3 and a half months since I hit 100 pounds gone and I have dropped another 16 pounds. It isn't much, but it is still a downward trend so I am not complaining.

Can you believe that I only have 26 pounds to go? That seems crazy to me. When I started I had almost 140 pounds to go and it seemed to be a monumental task. Now 25 pounds seems like almost a walk in the park compared to that. I do have a feeling that it will be a hell of a lot harder to lose that 25 pounds than I am anticipating though.

My goal is to be at goal by my cruise which is April 11, 2009. That gives me 6 months to lose 25 pounds. I think I can do that.

Here is a photo from my birthday last month. Can you guess who people tell me that I look like?

She's Dancing With The Angels

Nana passed away yesterday afternoon. She went very peacefully and was with her daughters.

I will love you and miss you forever Nana.

LaReta May Rutherford

August 6, 1921 - October 11, 2008

Potpourri O' Goodness

As you all know, I have lost over a hundred pounds.

I just have this question: Why can I STILL not wear knee high boots?????? My calves are still too big. I even tried the "plus size" boots and couldn't zip them past my ankle.

If I still can't wear knee high boots when I get to my goal weight (about 40 more pounds to go) I will be livid!!!!



My hormones are all out of whack. I don't know what is going on, but my menstrual cycle has decided to eff up. Instead of every 4 weeks, I am now being blessed with a visit from Aunt Flow every 3 weeks.

Not only is it making my moods swing all over the place and costing me more money in feminine products, but I think that might be part of the reason that my weight loss has gone all over the place lately.

I have a Dr. Appointment for my annual physical (ie: open my vajayjay with a medieval torture device) so I will make sure to bring the subject up. I am not on any kind of birth control so I have a feeling that they might try that to regulate my cycle.



Devon is now in 5th grade and will be 11 in a couple of months. He is still in elementary school but in a new one because they transferred him due to class size. His new school is much stricter than his old one.

They don't want the kids dropped off any earlier than 8:15 for breakfast and 8:35 for everyone else for class that starts at 8:44. That is fine, but I have to drop him off around 8:10 to get to the workout place on time. He got talked to for being there 5 minutes early. I understand that it isn't their job to baby sit him but he is pretty self sufficient and there are teachers and employees all over the place.

This morning I dropped him off at the end of the driveway and made him walk. It will take him at least 3 minutes and there was a crossing guard right across from where I dropped him off so I know he will be safe. He wasn't very happy about the walk though. I wonder how happy he will be when he realizes that he is going to be hoofing it every day down that loooonnnggg driveway.

Plateau - Not Just A Geological Formation Anymore

My weight loss has tapered off. I am officially in the midst of what Weight Watchers terms a "plateau".

Their suggestion? Persevere!

Not really the advice that I was looking for, but at least it is sound.

Now, I understand that every once in a while your body decides that it needs to hang out at a particular weight for a while and to be honest, this is the first plateau that I have hit during my entire weight loss journey.

But it still sucks.

Here are my stats since I got back from vacation:

August 6: gained 0.4 pounds current weight 185.8
August 13: maintained (no movement on the scale)
August 20: - 2.2 pounds (YAY! I thought that it was just a hiccup and that the weight would start coming back off)
August 27: +0.6 pounds (what the??)
September 3 : -0.6 pounds (Big Ass Eye Roll) Current weight 183.6

Now, don't get me wrong... I am pleased as punch that I am still technically losing. But losing 2.2 pounds in 5 weeks is driving me crazy!!!!

After becoming used to losing an average of about 7 pounds per month, this is torturously slow.

I have been looking into why my body is just not dropping weight as quickly and there are a few scenarios that come to mind.

Number one is that my body has reached a point where it doesn't want to drop any more weight for a while. Some people term it the body starvation point. Everyone's body has a different point where it thinks that starvation might be setting in. Since I was so heavy, my body hasn't realized that my starvation point should be about 45 pounds lower than it currently is.

Number two, I am still working out, but typically work out 3-4 days per week rather than 5-6. Life has been so busy I just haven't been able to get to the gym quite as much. Next week I will be there every day for 5 consecutive days so we will see what happens.

Number three is that although I am still sticking to the plan, I have been enjoying a few BLT's (bites, licks, tastes) and maybe haven't been tracking them accurately. I am going to cut them out completely and see if this will make any kind of change.

Don't worry, my journey is far from over and I have no plans to chuck it all and go back to where I was. That was so much less of a life than the one that I am living now I couldn't bear to go back.

Rollercoasters Make Me Nauseated

The past few weeks have been like a roller coaster. Up. Down. Up. Down.

Seriously folks, I am really tired of it.

Nana is still with us. After the Doctor told us that she wasn't going to last more than a few days, she started improving. Then she would get worse. Better.... Worse....

Nana turned 87 on August 6 and was allowed to come home from the hospital on August 7th. We all thought she wouldn't make it to celebrate the day and the fact that she is well enough to go home was the best birthday present of all. She is receiving Hospice at home and I doubt that she will return to the hospital and will instead opt for "going home" from the comfort of her own bed.

On a lighter note, I still stayed "on program" (stuck to my Weight Watchers guidelines) on vacation and finally achieved the biggest milestone yet.

I have lost over 100 pounds.

Yep! While on vacation and dealing with everything there I was still able to make good choices. It feels really good to know that even in stressful situations that I can still stick to my guns and make it work. Of course, there were times when I had to pick which Kashi bar sounded the best from the hospital cafeteria because there weren't any other healthy choices, but I did discover that Trail Mix was my favorite.

My computer with my photo editing stuff is being worked on, so my friend Funny Girl took a photo of me with her phone so that I can at least put something on here.

What I want to know is why do my thighs still look so darn big?????? Grrrr. I have always had bigger legs even when I was thinner but now with the loose skin that I have been blessed with, they seem to be larger than I remember.

I sometimes get frustrated with the loose skin on my arms and legs. It seems that instead of firming up like my torso did, the skin just gets saggier and saggier no matter how much I work out. Oh well, from what I understand, guys don't really care what you look like naked. They just care that you ARE naked or as my beloved brother said "Boobs are boobs" when I was lamenting about a lack of perkiness in that area.

Any hoo.... here are my before and current photos. Enjoy!

Before at 287.5 pounds and after losing 50 pounds (237 pounds)

Current weight 185 pounds (approximately a size 12)

P.S. I have tried to fix the scrunched paragraphs up at the top and it keeps effing it back up. Sorry!

Saying Goodbye

Nana is fading very fast.

She will probably pass within the next 2-3 days.

We are all here trying to prepare and saying our goodbyes.

I can't remember anything ever being this hard.

Devastation only skims the surface.

You Don't Always Get What You Want

Hi everyone!!!

I am currently typing this from the PC at my mother's house. I am here for two weeks of vacation.

When I planned the trip back in March, we were going to a family reunion and also to a time share resort for a week. We really weren't going to be here much and it sounded like a lovely, relaxing vacation.

Well, of course life is going to throw you some curve balls. Mine came in the form of my Nana getting Pancreatic Cancer.

For those of you who don't know, there is no cure for Pancreatic Cancer and there really is not much in the way of treatment either. It is quick and vicious. Most patients that are diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer don't last 6 months.

Nana was diagnosed about a month ago. She is progressively getting more confused, stubborn and scared. She can no longer be left alone for any length of time which has caused my mother to file for FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) so that she can take her to appointments and generally care for Nana.

Last week my mom had to go to a meeting at work and her husband had a Dr. Appointment. The neighbor lady is friends with Nana and asked my mom if she could stay with Nana. My mom reluctantly agreed because she was in a bind. The neighbor lady is elderly as well and my mom knew that she could visit with her, but if something happened that she wouldn't be able to physically assist my Nana, but Mom needed help so she went against her better judgement and left Nana with the neighbor.

Nana decided that this would be the perfect time to go outside and check on her flowers. She hasn't been allowed to do any gardening for a while and she wanted to see how her sweet peas were growing. The neighbor tried to convince her to stay in the house, but Nana has got a stubborn streak a mile wide and wouldn't listen.

Outside she fell and hit her head. The neighbor couldn't get her up and called my step-brother who lives down the street and my step-sister who lives a few miles away. My step-brother got there in less than 10 minutes, picked up Nana (who weighs about a buck ten) and put her into her bed.

Mom got home as fast as she could, took one look at Nana, called the Dr., packed her into the car and took her to the hospital. In a way, it was a huge blessing.

Once they got there, Nana's blood oxygen leven was at 71%. Normal is between 96-100% so it was really bad. They couldn't get her oxygen level back up until they put her onto a full face non rebreather mask (mom told me what it was) at 100% oxygen.

They found out that Nana has MRSA which is a really bad, antibiotic resistant infection which in turn has caused her to contract pneumonia and just to make it fun, Congestive Heart Failure to boot.

Suffice it to say, that if Nana wasn't in the hospital, she might not still be here. She is very ill, easily confused and at times in hullucinating. She does, however, still have her sense of humor firmly intact.

Devon and I drove straight there with my mom, as soon as we landed. Because of the MRSA we have to wear a gown, mask and gloves to go into her room. We went in and it took her a few moments to recognize us. She was very happy to see us, but was also seeing an imaginary dog in her room as well.

It was incredibly difficult to see her like this. She looked like she had been mugged and beaten within an inch of her life from the fall. HUGE purple raised bump on her forehead, two black eyes, scratches on her nose etc. She was breathing through her mouth and she had the white, filmy spittle coating the edges.

Her speech is slurred and difficult to understand but I could understand a few things. She said hello to me and to Devon.

I sat on the edge of the bed and got close enough for her to see me and be able to hear me. I stroked her face with my gloved hand and she closed her eyes and smiled a bit. I could tell that it brought her a lot of comfort so I continued to do it.

I looked at my mom and the tears filled my eyes and started streaming down my face. This isn't Nana. Nana is vibrant, funny, active and always talking. This was a faded memory of my Nana.

It came crashing home like a freight train that Nana will be gone sooner than later. I won't have her to talk to or to hear stories from. She won't be here waiting for me when I fly in to visit. I won't be able to play cards with her or sit with her in her room and watch The Food Network.

Devon got extremely upset and cried for a really long time. He is trying so hard to be brave, but he is only 10 years old and this will be the second major loss of a loved one (his great grandfather died a few years ago). He is very aware that Nana won't be with us much longer and is taking it very hard. I had to whisper to him that Nana needed to see him strong and to not cry in front of her. He was able to get his emotions under control until we left and then we stood in the hallway and I held him as he cried.

Last night, I slept in Nana's bed. It brought me a bit of comfort to be around her things.

Mom says that Nana has her good days and her bad ones and we happened to arrive on a bad day. I am hoping that I see her on a good day because I don't know how I can face 2 weeks of last night. It was definitely turns what was supposed to be a fun trip into a very somber occasion.

My mother has been doing basically everything for my Nana. She cares for her at home, makes sure that she gets her medicine and takes her to all of her appointments. In addition she has to watch her carefully because Nana can be unpredictable. They had to put a monitor in her room so that they could her hear at night if Nana needed help.

I honestly don't know how she has stayed as strong as she has. Mom is sad a lot. She knows that she is losing her mother. She watches her slowly slip further and further away every day and is trying to prepare herself as much as she can for the inevitable. But I can see the added lines to her face. The drawn, sad expression when she is lost in thought.

I want to be here for my mom as well as Nana. I only have two weeks. I pray that Nana gets well enough to leave the hospital and spend her remaining days at home. I have convinced Mom to look into Home Heath when or if Nana comes home. If she doesn't, I will worry about Mom's health as well.

Today we are going to see Nana again. I pray that she is more aware and lucid so that she can communicate with me a bit better. I plan to go up there, stroke her face again and just sit and talk with her, tell her how much I love her and just gaze at the face of someone that I have loved and has loved me since the day that I was born.

Project Diversity

At work we have a 15 minute meeting almost every day. Once a month, they ask for people to come in and talk about something related to diversity.

We have had people come in and talk about their heritage, overseas adoption, autism etc.

They asked for volunteers and I offered to do a meeting about what it is like to be morbidly obese and about my weight loss journey.

Today was the day that I did the meetings (6 of them in total) and I was really pleased with the results.

Without further ado... here is my speech.

A few years ago I went to Michigan's Adventure with my friends and our kids. We had been at the park for a few hours riding rides and decided to ride the Wild Cat. As a group we all went up the ramp, stood in line and waited our turn.

The coaster came in and let the passengers off and I noticed that it was a divided seat, not a bench seat. I started feeling a little bit uncomfortable, but stayed in line. When it was our turn to get on the coaster, I made sure that my son was in his seat and buckled in before I got into my own seat. It was a very tight squeeze, but I was able to get seated in the coater. I grabbed the seatbelt to strap myself in and I couldn't get it closed. It was so close and I pulled and pulled, but I couldn't get the belt buckled. In front of an entire line of people waiting their turn, I had to get off of the coaster and stand on the other side, alone, facing the crowd that was staring at me knowing that I was too fat to fit on the ride. I stood there and waited for my son and friends to finish the ride and return to the station.

I can still feel the embarrassment that stained my face that day.

I couldn't even think about doing this diversity pre shift until I'd lost over 50 pounds. Because you feel that everyone's judging you, for being lazy, eating too much, not taking care of yourself, not trying hard enough. You feel your voice doesn't count. You feel you can't talk about what it's like to be fat until you've proven yourself and shown that you're taking steps not to be fat anymore.

And now, I'm still overweight so it's not easy to talk about it now. But I don't want to be one of those people who only talks about what it's like to be fat from the vantage point of a nice, safe size 6, where how horrible it was is only a vague, awful memory.

I want to talk about while I'm still in it because for once I want to give power to my words from within my own situation. I don't want to write some chirpy "after" post once I've reached my goal weight about how much it sucked to be fat. I want to write it while I'm living it and while it's real.

I was morbidly obese for over 10 years. Over 2x's of what is considered a healthy weight. It was a way of protecting myself from the world - putting a physical barrier between myself and the world based on things that happened when I was younger. Issues of abandonment, rejection, low self worth all contributed to me turning to food for comfort. After my dad left we were very poor and were on welfare. High carb diet (Ramen noodles, mac and cheese) contributed to poor eating habits and weight gain.

I was 240 when I got pregnant and got down to 204. I eventually gained it all back plus some. After I started working at Foremost, I lost 30 pounds on a low calorie diet and exercising during lunch. Once lunches went to 30 minutes, I gave up and gained it all back. I didn't make any effort to lose weight or have a healthier lifestyle for another 6 years.

It's hard to be fat. You don't fit into chairs. When you go to a restaurant and someone suggests eating outside, you do a subtle scan of the chairs to see if they're sturdy, if the arms are narrow, if you'll be uncomfortable spilling over the sides of the seat during the meal. When somebody asks if you want to go to a baseball game, you hope they have tickets fro the expensive, roomy seats. Nobody wants to sit next to you in the Metro or on the bus. You see every seat fill up around you while the one next to you remains resolutely empty.

People can be and at times are very cruel. I watch them. I see their looks, their rolling of the eyes. The glances between two friends where one will puff out their cheeks to emulate being fat and the other will double over laughing. But nobody will ever talk about it. You can't make reference to it yourself. It's the elephant in the room and if you ever mention needing to lose weight, or having to shop in the plus size department, people look awkward and look away. It becomes your job not to make people uncomfortable, not to talk about it, not to push it. You diminish your expectations for a good life in order to have some semblance of happiness.

The turning point for me wasn't anything earth shattering. My mother, who had been doing Weight Watchers offered to pay for a 3 month membership for my birthday. At first I thought that it was a horrible idea for a gift and truly just wanted her to give me the money. $120 would buy me a great pair of shoes. I hemmed and hawed about it for a few weeks. Then I noticed that when I was leaving work wearing heels that my ankles were hurting when I walked down the stairs. With my love of shoes, that was unacceptable and I decided then and there to take Mom up on her offer.

I joined WW and went to the first meeting. It wasn't that long. The worst part was being weighed and realizing that I wasn't too far away from 300 pounds. The first week I stuck to the program. I journaled what I ate, I measured my food to learn what a correct portion was. I cut back on diet soda and drank a lot of water. I stayed within the point range that WW said I should be at. The next week I weighed in and I had lost nothing. I was devastated. I wanted to cry during the meeting. I did cry afterwards. I talked to my leader and she said to give it another week. Sometimes it just takes time for your body to catch up with what you are doing.

The second week I lost 7 pounds.

Within the first month I realized that WW was something that I could do. It wasn't that hard to stick to the program. The points were relatively easy to figure out. I made a promise to myself then and there that I was going to do this. No "we'll see how it goes" or "I'll try". It was more of a "I am going to do this no matter what. There is no other option than to succeed."

From June 13 to the middle of October, I had lost 40 pounds. I noticed that my weight loss was slowing down so I figured that it was time to bite the bullet and start working out. At first I went to the workout room downstairs and walked on the treadmill or tried the elliptical. The first time I tried it, I made it about 2 minutes and thought that I was going to pass out. Slowly I worked up my resistance and speed and now can easily do 30 minutes at a level 7. After about 6 months of working out downstairs I joined a gym. I work out 4-5 times per week and have found workouts that I love like Zumba.

In 13 months, I went from 287.5 pounds and have lost 97 pounds and currently weigh in at 190. I have gone from a size 24 to a size 12/14. I still have 50 pounds to lose but I am not worried about it. I know that I won't ever give up and that it really is all mind of matter. My mind is overcoming my matter.

Weight loss, like being fat, is also hard. Lots of people are able to make it work, but a lot of people can't make it work. This doesn't mean that they are stupid, lazy or that they aren't trying and it doesn't mean that they aren't thinking about it every minute of the day and they probably spend a lot of the time thinking about what you think about it. They don't need people making fun of them, talking about them or treating them any less than anyone else.

There are a lot of preconceptions of obese people. They are dirty, slothful, lazy and poor employees. Many times the opposite is true. I rarely allowed myself a slobby day because if I went out in public, I was perpetuating the stereotype of what many people viewed obese to be. Many non-obese people see obesity as a lifestyle choice in spite of the great difficulty obese people face when trying to lose weight.

Discriminating against and making fun of fat people is one of the only acceptable forms of prejudice. You would never openly mock someone because of their race, sexual orientation or religion. You might do it behind closed doors but not to their face. But it is OK to make fun of fat people. Why? Usually they don't fight back. They look at you with a sad, disappointed face, turn and walk away. Obese people don't need others to make fun of them, talk about them or treat them as less of a person. No one ever said anything to me, however hurtful, that I hadn't already thought to myself a thousand times before.

Everyone has things that they struggle with. Just because theirs is on the outside for everyone to see, doesn't give anyone the right to harass them or treat them with disrespect. Besides, nothing you say, kind or unkind, can ever convince a person to improve themselves. That kind of motivation has to come from within, and only when the person is ready. The most helpful thing you could do for an obese friend is to listen to them and be there for them when they need to talk.

To people who are where I was: it doesn't matter where you are on your journey or if you have even started it, when you are ready, you can achieve amazing things. If you are happy with where you are, I am so proud of you. Accepting yourself is the first step to reaching acceptance from others. As long as you are comfortable in your skin and love yourself that is all that matters.

Unexpected Bonuses

For the first time since I was in 8th grade, my sister and I weigh roughly the same.

She has always been the skinny sister and I was always the fat one.

It helped her that she always worked on her feet and was walking miles a day and when at home running after 3 kids.

We were talking yesterday and we realized that we wear the same size.

I am going to Washington next week to visit family. I get there on Tuesday, and my sister will get there from Texas, on Friday.

I have a feeling that I will be coming back missing a few cute outfits. But she is my sister, so I won't mind giving them up...too much.

I also convinced her to try Zumba with me. They have classes at the YMCA and my mom can get us 2 week passes.

What A Difference A Year Makes

I celebrated my one year anniversary on Weight Watchers on June 13. It is amazing to me how much my life has changed. It is hard for me to put down everything that has changed for me, but I will do my best.

The biggest change is obviously my weight. I have lost over 93 pounds. That is more than the average 4th grader. I have gone from a size 22/24 to a size 12/14. Even my shoe size has gone from a 9 1/2 wide to a 9 medium.

I went from someone who could barely walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath to someone who can work out for an hour and leave feeling energized with sweat dripping off me. I have learned to enjoy working out, especially Zumba.

Some things are easier, some are harder. I enjoy wearing more feminine clothing. I don't have to struggle to find things that fit and look nice anymore. I know what looks good on my body and what isn't flattering.

There are things about my body that I really think are sexy. My waist, collarbones, neck, and butt. Things that I still don't like and don't think I ever will are my arms, thighs and excess skin. There are parts of my body that look like they are melting but I do my best to accentuate the positives so that no one notices the negatives.

My confidence level has increased 100% but I still have a hard time believing compliments. When people call me skinny, all I can think of is that I still have 45 pounds to lose. I tend to discount how far I have come and concentrate on how far I still have to go. When people are impressed with how much I have lost, I tend to downplay it and act like it isn't a big deal. I don't feel pride in my accompliment to date because I am still a work in progress like an artist working on a masterpiece.

I fit into and onto things that I either couldn't or felt very uncomfortable. Chairs have extra room rather than me squeezing into them and overflowing out of them. Painting my toenails doesn't require the talents of a contortionist. Tying my shoes doesn't cause me to get out of breath from squishing my lungs to reach my feet.

I am wearing a bikini top at the pool and feel totally comfortable in it. I don't feel like I have to cover up as much of my body as possible. I don't show it off, but I wear cute, fitted clothing that I wouldn't have ever been able to wear at 287 pounds.

As much as I have changed, a lot of me has remained the same. I still have the same friends, still have the same job and like to do many of the same things that I used to. Of course I have new interests to compliment the old ones, but I love that there are so many opportunities and options available now that I was either unable or unwilling to try.

I am so excited to be traveling next month to Seattle. This will be the first time on a plane for me since I have been below 255. I look forward to not having to sqeeze into the seat and overflowing into Devon's space.

This summer I plan to go to Michigan's Adventure and ride the Wild Cat. Last time I went, I couldn't get the belt buckled and had to get off and stand there waiting for the rest of my group while they rode it.

I can't believe what a year, determination and focus has brought me.

Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me, listened to what I had to say and basically picked me up, dusted me off and got me back on track when I veered off or faltered.

My next project is to do a diversity presentation at work about obesity. It is something that I never would have done a year ago. Now I can't wait.

A Phone Call That Changed Everything

I was talking to my mom yesterday and she gave me some really bad news. Something that I was hoping wouldn't happen. We were hoping for the best, but unfortunately that wasn't to be.

My Nana has pancreatic cancer.

A few months ago she had a CT Scan and there was a lesion on her pancreas but it wasn't clear what it was. They decided to wait a few months and do another scan.

The results came in on Tuesday evening. My mom is a nurse and when she got the call in the evening she knew that it wasn't good. Apparently they only call at night when it is really bad. They told her that it was probably cancer (about a 99% chance) and that it had spread to the lymph node system as well.

Last week my mom had purchased airline tickets for her, Nana and my step-father to fly out here for Christmas. Nana will more than likely be gone by then.

When Mom told Nana the prognosis on Wednesday morning her response was "Well, shit!" and then went on to say how she hadn't been feeling well for a long time. Soon after, she resumed her daily routine of puttering out in the flower beds and the garden.

Nana is 86 years old and has lived a long, full life. She had 3 kids, 7 grandkids and numerous great grand children. My grandfather passed away over 25 years ago and Nana never remarried.

We will be out to see her next month. Mom says she will probably still be around but that they aren't going to do anything invasive or debilitating to try and prolong her life. Her health is frail and it would probably just kill her sooner.

As hard as it is, I will be helping my mom with Nana's funeral plans. Nana told us that we could do whatever we wanted since she wasn't going to be there anyway.

I have decided that I want to do a photo montage with songs from every era of Nana's life to celebrate her life and the things that made her so special. I hope that I can do even a modicum of justice to an incredible woman who I respect and love immensely.

How Do I Say This Delicately????

Screw it!!!!!!


I AM UNDER 200 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That is all.